Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*