Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

🤣🤣

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.