Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe