Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

The cycle continues

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

🤣✨#caturday

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.