Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.