Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.