Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Tier 3 meme

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.