Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?