@Book_Krazy

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

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@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@realHamOnWry

That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.

@BlindVigil

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

@notorious_stars

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@BetteMidler

Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.

@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@TheBoydP

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.