Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.