Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)