Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.