Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…