“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam
*high fives self*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob