Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back