@AmericanGent69

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

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@NicestHippo

“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@rebrafsim

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

@capnwatsisname

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@ItsAndyRyan

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

@therealeatwood

Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob