Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

The cashier just checked me out.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

starting a garage orchestra

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.