Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
You Might Also Like
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…