Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

i really liked this one

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.