Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.