Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

Me recordaron éste meme

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.