Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
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when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Happy thanksgiving
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂