Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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Woke up against my better judgement again
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?