Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.