Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Good morning ☺️

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.