Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*