me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
ouch
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
He has no idea 🤡
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
#damn
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?