Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.