Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

opening twitter today

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Mistakes were made

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”