Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
NASA has no chill
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen