Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie