Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

Stop sending me this shit.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”