me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.