Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
