Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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