Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

I triple waxed for this?

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!