Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You Might Also Like
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time