Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
As the Lord intended
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me: my friends:
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.