Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
the noise i just made
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.