me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My five year plan is a meteorite
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT