me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A French press is when you hug naked
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.