Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Based Erika

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.