me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”