Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
what do you want
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok