Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

who did the taste test?

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.