Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣