Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Me too

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans