Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

huge if true: the moon

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…