Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Body by cheese-puffs.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH