Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Get in loser we’re going crying

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation