Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
You Might Also Like
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.