me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too

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God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.


No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.


I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.


Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.


People fear what they don’t understand:

4th grade math word problems


Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”