Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Harsh but fair
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.