Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Friday
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
