Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.