ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
My neck, my back, my…
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Flock of bats
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
i really liked this one
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what