Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

my name if I was in the mob

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO