Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Saturday
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Bread puns are on the rise!
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura