Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,