Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…