Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me