Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

you’re so productive for your wage

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.