Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Discuss