Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts