Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

I’m Sold!

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

weird email i got today

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

😂😂

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.