Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
You Might Also Like
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep