Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?