Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.