Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Happy birthday to all the women

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.