Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

LOL

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Do not levitate over flowers

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.