Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

😂😂

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

White Castle for the Win

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”