Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.