Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
TWEET CALL
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I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”