Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Every
Single
Year
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
How tf did it end up there?
It will always be this
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.