Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
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[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
