Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?