Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too