Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

As the Lord intended

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit