me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does