Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.