Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

I think they could have phrased this better

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Botany good plants lately?

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Erm I’m gonna say no

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!