Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here